Dear Ted,

I was pleased to read your Wont Somebody Think of the Children speech. Obviously it would be disastrous if women in Victoria were supported to get pregnant and have much wanted and planned for babies in the absence of menfolk. I assume that your child-focussed new agenda will be multi-faceted. Now that all children are entitled to a mother and a father at birth you’ll be doing your utmost to prevent parents from joining the armed forces, or the partners of pregnant women from serving in war zones. I’m also assuming that all straight people will be tested for suitability as potential parents and contraception will be enforced for those who don’t make the grade.

Now that you’re all child-centred you’ll be advocating loudly for decent funding to support Aboriginal parents to raise their own children instead of removing them, for parenting skills classes to become as easily accessible as alcohol for all parents, for increases in childcare worker qualifications and lower worker to child ratios in centres, for decent pay and conditions for teachers and for universal health care.